i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
