i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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