Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
