she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
