he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
