you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So many bounce houses so little time
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
