alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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