I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
