i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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