I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I need moral support for this bender
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
