Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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