The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
