I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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