Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
