My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
