y did u give ur computer a hand job?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need moral support for this bender
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
