Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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