and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
