Jerry, you need to find god
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
