Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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