just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
