So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
