I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
