peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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