MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
