hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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