not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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