Umm I'm too high to move.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
