chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
