maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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