The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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