Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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