Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
