im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
