I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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