I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
