Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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