Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
