If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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