I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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