I just cut my nipple shaving
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
