I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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