I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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