This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
