Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
