The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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