Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
