I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
