Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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