How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
