It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
