Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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