all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
