just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
