just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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